Thoughts on horses

From: Alex
To: Celia; Alice

P.S I drove through THE VILLAGE [being where I live] yesterday.

From: Celia
To: Alex; Alice

I know. I followed you.

Well, at least I saw your facebook status indicating you were up the mountain and presumed you went through THE VILLAGE as you put it. I can’t believe you didn’t come and visit me.

From: Alex
To: Celia; Alice

Well, I didn’t know THE VILLAGE was basically at the foot of The Mountain. It really is a village! I was expecting something a touch more suburban, along the lines of Rochedale. I can’t believe you travel so far to work every day.

From: Celia
To: Alex; Alice

Yeah, it’s really not suburban at all. Once I saw a man just having a piss on the outside of the IGA. Although I suppose that happens in suburbia as well.

From: Alex
To: Celia; Alice

So is the IGA the ‘centre’ of THE VILLAGE? I didn’t see much else except for the ‘hotel’.

I think you should have a horse. Why would you live there and not have a horse?

From: Celia
To: Alex; Alice

Yeah, pretty much. There’s the IGA, the pub and the fish & chip shop. At least those are the things I frequent.

I don’t like horses. What would I do with a horse? They are not useful.

From: Alex
To: Celia; Alice

Horses are an excellent method of transportation. And they are cute. How can you not like horses?!

From: Celia
To: Alex; Alice

I got bitten by a horse once, on the stomach. I have held a grudge against the entire species ever since.

If I was going to have livestock I would have a goat or a pig. At least you can eat them. And they are cute. Horses are just biding their time, waiting to bite your tummy.

From: Alex
To: Celia; Alice

On the stomach?! How is that even possible?? This could only happen to you…

Goats are cute. Mum had one when she was little. I think you should get a goat. And magnum baby [being my unborn child] can pretend it’s a pony.

From: Celia
To: Alex; Alice

Well, it was my friend’s horse. I already disliked horses, mostly because every other small girl of my acquaintance adored them. And I was glaring suspiciously at this horse, called Rusty, waiting for it to do something objectionable. My friend told me not to be ridiculous, and that Rusty was perfectly friendly. And at that, Rusty’s eyes began to gleam, he dribbled a bit, made an evil screeching sound, and then leaned down and bit my stomach. It bruised me. I said something to effect of “friendly my fucking arse” and my friend then claimed it was my fault for being afraid of him. I personally don’t see what good an animal is if the moment it senses fear it attacks. That’s not my idea of a nice domesticated pet.

From: Alice
To: Celia; Alex

That is so awesome that you presented your belly for the biting. Keep magnum baby well clear of any equines from now on though. Don’t want him/her coming out missing an ear or a nose.

I love horses. Except for Shetland ponies. Not that they count. They are the dregs of the horse community.

From: Alex
To: Celia; Alice

What a strange place for a horse to bite. You’d think he’d go for your hair/face/arms but no, it was the tummy. Were you wearing a midriff-bearing top by any chance Ms Powell?

I love Thoroughbreds, Arabians and Missouri Foxtrotters. Clydesdales also hold a certain charm for me.

From: Celia
To: Alex; Alice

I have no idea why that devilish animal went for my belly, I suppose it was temptingly plump. Although actually I was a slender child, so that doesn’t really explain it. And I was in primary school, I very much doubt I was baring my midriff.

How dismissive Alice is of Shetland ponies – there are many miniature horses around THE VILLAGE Alice, and sometimes they have foals which I find rather endearing because they are so tiny. And incapable of reaching my stomach. Once I was riding my bike and stopped to say hello to a miniature horse next to a fence. “Hello little horsey!” I squeaked in falsetto tones. “Who’s a little horsey? Is you a little horsey? Yes you is!” It gazed at me blankly and proceeded to do a huge steaming piss, which was really quite an eloquent response considering its mental capacity.

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One thought on “Thoughts on horses

  1. What a profound and deeply moving expose on the true character of horses. It really makes me think. Five stars, 10 out of 10 and two thumbs up from me!

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